I’ve been doing some research on the dating world, why people join dating apps and websites, the feeling of needing to search for a partner, and the results are fascinating!
Through numerous inquiries, I’ve been told that people find the same people on multiple dating apps and websites, they are typically the same people that they’ve saw a few months back or even a few years ago. There seems to be slim pickings on dating apps and some people have chosen to go out with someone because they’ve assumed it might be their only option.
Some people find dating apps exhausting and will choose to take breaks to try and find a date or companion through real-life interactions. Some have tried to adventure out from their normal settings and will try and pick up a new hobby or check out a spin class just to try and meet someone. Sometimes the real world will bring about a potential partner but most of the people that I've talked to have said that they are usually disappointed and will go back to the apps.
Knowing the dissatisfaction of dating apps, some people feel the need to be “doing something” in order to gain a date or partner. They feel that maybe just this one time they will find a new date or person of their dreams on a never-ending and unsatisfactory dating app.
It might be something in the air, but it seems like there is a quest to search for someone. A desire to hunt someone out. A needed “plus one” becomes a hobby. The way I can understand this process of thinking is thinking of dating like sales. To get through college, I worked in sales and I can remember my manager telling me that it’s a numbers game, the more you can “sell” or “present product to”, the more it will yield sales. If we are thinking of dating like sales, we would then assume that the more you go on dates, the better your chances of finding your so-called soul mate will be. I see this a lot in self-help books on dating and how they encourage you to “put yourself out there” and “try new things.” The principle behind each of those metaphors are right on but when we are referring to dating, we are talking about human to human connection.
Relationships are not a transaction (so I hope not for your sake!). We can’t press buttons and scan someone’s bar code in order to yield the outcome we want like a date or relationship. We can force a lot of things in life like the wrong size dress or trying to get a couch through a doorway, but human connection cannot be forced.
With that knowledge, it can be emotionally draining going on multiple dates knowing that each of those dates you’re going on is not someone that you actually like or would want to go on a second date with, but you feel compelled to “do” in order to find a partner. It can be mentally draining to have to interact with someone on an intimate level during a date when you already know that you don’t like this person. What can happen is people can talk themselves into this person because they were feeling really lonely that night, consumed maybe too much alcohol, or not being true to who they are. Sounds familiar? Then, you live in guilt because you are now emotionally and physically attached to this person that you really didn’t like in the first place, or maybe it’s the other way around and you now have to find a way to break up with them. Either situation is really unfortunate for both parties and so much time is wasted by not being honest with yourself and feelings from the start.
Here are 5 top questions to ask yourself before you go on a date with someone when your goal is to find more than a one-night stand.
1. Are you being honest with this person about who you are? If you’ve found yourself lying about your job or where you live to impress them, then you already started out this potential relationship on a lie.
2. Are you painting a picture in your head of what this person could be like or are you liking them for who they are right now?
3. Are you only physically attracted to them and everything they say out of their mouth is disgusting? This could only be physical encounter.
4. Did your friends talk you into this date because they are more attracted to them than you are? Tell your friend to go on a date with them.
5. Am I going on this date because I’m bored? Try a new hobby instead.
The questions sounds pretty silly and maybe too simple but they are straightforward. I don't know one happy relationship or marriage that started their relationship out on a lie or had to talk themself into liking someone. Relationships are about being vulnerable and coming together in life's mess to learn and grow together. Dating should be that simple, yet we complicate the whole process by overthinking and talking ourselves into something we know we don't like.