You say that you’re ready to find someone, yet you lack commitment. You say that you want someone but refuse the desire to need someone. You say you want love but afraid of intimacy. You want connection but not willing to open up. You want to be attracted to your partner, yet not open to other outward appearances that don’t match your checklist. You hunger for someone to love you back, yet you have a timeframe on when I love can be said. You ask yourself and your friends, why am I not married yet?
The clock is ticking so you say but your efforts of finding a partner are a list of excuses. Some of your excuses might sound like the following. They are too short. They don’t have a graduate degree. They weren’t born in the right area. They don’t own their home. They are in debt. They don’t like the same things that I like. They don’t like my dog. They don’t take me to fancy restaurants. They don’t ask me about my feelings. Do you get the picture and does it sound familiar?
You don’t believe in traditions, yet you strive to follow society’s timeframe on when you should be married and start having kids. You are a feminist but still desire for a man to have the social characteristics of a masculine man. You portray a modern woman, free from being tied down to a man, free from being barefoot and pregnant, but yet, you desire the traditions of being a married woman.
You want the ring. You want the wedding. You want the marriage. You want the man. You want the baby. You want the house. You want the white picket fence. You want the pool. You want the social clubs. You want the Range Rover. You want elite schools for your children. You want, you want, you want….
Yet, you don’t want to face the truth that you’re still not married. You don’t want to face the fact that you keep choosing the wrong partners. You don’t want to admit that you have intimacy issues. You don’t want to admit that you don’t really want to put in the work it takes to have a healthy relationship because you are too worried about your checklist.
Relationships take work. Relationships are two people joining together to commit to communication, intimacy, sharing secrets, sharing fears—being vulnerable! The social standard of a marriage seems to be a list of expectations that have been ingrained in all of us to want, desire, and to achieve. But really, you don’t want a marriage, you want to fulfill social norms. If you really wanted a marriage, you would be asking yourself what I need to do in order to get ready for a marriage with someone, and not play victim.
What hidden, dark secrets have you been holding on to that could weigh down a future relationship with someone. How can you better yourself to prepare yourself to be in an intimate relationship with someone? These are the types of questions that you should be asking yourself, instead of asking why am I not married yet? Playing the victim to a social traditions and timeframes won’t get you married off any sooner.