Hey, to all you parents out there. It's time to get more connected with your child/children. I get a lot of questions from parents asking me why doesn't my child talk to me, why do they isolate from me, and why don't they communicate with me their needs/feelings. My initial response to those questions is are you providing a safe space for them to even start the process of communicating with you? If you immediately answer yes, then you haven't took the time to think about it. Let's break it down.
Children who are under 18 years of age their brain is still developing. Their thoughts are still trying to grasp abstract concepts to understand shades of gray in the world; not black/white thinking. Abstract thoughts mean a thought/idea can exist without having a physical/concrete existence. This can be challenging for children to grasp. Through development, children gain a sense of competence and pride in their abilities which can help them gain a strong sense of self. Children who struggle to develop a sense of self may emerge from their developmental stage with feelings of failure and inferiority. Let's now go through the developmental stages according to Erikson's model of human development.
Birth to 18 months: this is the developmental stage where a child will learn to trust or mistrust.
2- 3 years old: the child will start to gain a sense of autonomy but if they fail at this stage, it can create shame and doubt in their mind.
3-5 years old: this is the stage when a child starts to initiate actions and start to explore.
6-11 years old: this is the stage that children start to gain a sense of confidence in their abilities.
12-18 years old: this is the stage where social relationships are important and they start to gain a sense of identity.
As you can see, if a child is not able to succeed in one of those stages, it delays their growth and opportunity for self-awareness and self-growth. Support them through this. Any type of traumatic experience will also delay a child's development. A child needs to establish a sense of trust because it contributes to emotional health throughout their life. Once school begins, children are then evaluated and graded by their performance and skills. If a child doesn't feel competent in their abilities to succeed, they'll less likely try new things. It is important that both parents and teacher offer support and encouragement to the child. In addition, unconditional love is important for a child to develop a growth mindset and not stay stagnate.
By understanding the development of your child, you can have a better grasp on how to approach them. Children will naturally look up to their parents for support, guidance, and love. If they don't feel these things towards their parents, they'll most likely freeze and retreat from their parents. Parents need to offer a space where they can just listen to their child. Yes, that's right l.i.s.t.e.n.. Through my clinical experience working with children and their caregivers, it has shown me that a lot of parents take things personally and do not try and explore with their child on what is really going on. Parents tend to be quick at giving advice or offering their own opinion without really understanding the whole situation. I have several clients that will tell me that their parents will cut them off mid-sentence to offer advice or tell their child a story about THEMSELVES. Stop. Remember, this time isn't about you, it's a time to actively listen to your child to understand their experience. Yes, their experience. Remember, their experience will be different from yours. A child will shut down completely if they feel like they aren't able to speak or share their experience to its fullest. End of story.
Parent pride. Hmmmm. Let's talk about your pride, parents. Your children aren't created to give you a sense of establishment in the world. Children are not property. Children are not developed to stroke your ego. If this is tough to hear, take a deep breath, and let's keep going. At the end of the day, most children want to just be heard. They want to know that they can talk to you about anything, you will listen, and love them unconditionally. There will be times that you need to discipline them, yes. Offer advice to them, yes. But when it's appropriate to do so. When was the last time that you asked your child, how did that experience make you feel, why do you think you reacted in that way, and how can I support you? These are key questions to always ask your child because it will give you additional content and how they're really experiencing that situation.
Remember, each person will experience things differently and it's important to understand the lense in which your child is viewing their reality. Will your children make mistakes? Yes. It's not about the times that they make mistakes but the times that they learned from their mistakes. Children need to make mistakes to learn from them. Yes, that's right. Think about your own experiences and how you learned through your mistakes. Your child also needs the freedom to move through each of their developmental stages without judgment or criticism. If you're still questioning your abilities as a parent, please schedule a consultation call with me to explore how you can move your child through each developmental stages effectively and to create emotionally mature children.