You might hear this a lot in therapy about setting boundaries but sometimes it can get lost in translation. Setting boundaries help protect your emotions and sanity. When you come to a place where the other person (family, friend, partner) is invalidating your emotions or experience in a situation, setting boundaries help you communicate both her needs and feelings to the other person. For example, if a family member consistently brings up a subject that you're not willing to talk to them about (finances, personal relationships, politics, etc.), you can let them know that you're not open to communicating with them about that particular subject and in order to move forward, they will need to honor your boundary and if they don't, you will need to remove yourself from the conversation. Sometimes people will assume that setting boundaries is being selfish but it is actually part of self-love. Setting boundaries is honoring yourself and keeping yourself in check with what you need.
Boundaries help define who you are. They define what is you and what is not you. A boundary can show you where you end, and someone else begins, leading you to a sense of ownership. Knowing what you own and how to take responsibility of what you own can give you a sense of freedom. For example, if you own a house with a yard, you will know where your yard/property begins and ends. If you don’t own your life, your choices will be dictated by others. This is where boundaries come into play if you want to start living a life created by you and your values.
Here are some examples of what boundaries can sound like:
· I cannot do that right now; I will get to it tomorrow morning.
· I prefer not to discuss that; it’s a private matter that I am not willing to share.
· I understand what you want, but it’s against my values, so I won’t be able to do that.
· I am vegan and those restaurants don’t have vegan options, so I won’t be able to attend.
· I heard what you said but I am not willing to discuss that matter at this time, I will follow up with you when I am ready.
· My job responsibility doesn’t include that task, please assign that to the correct person, or please define my job role.
These words are okay to use in conversations with others:
· “No”
· “I disagree”
· “I choose not to”
· “It’s wrong”
· “It hurts”
· “That’s bad”
· “Stop that”
These are the common reasons people don’t set boundaries:
· Fear of hurting someone else’s feelings
· Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
· Fear of being unspiritual or not “Christian”
· Fear of abandonment and separateness
· Fear of being punished
· Fear of being shamed