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Writer's pictureArielle Karoub

Trauma Bonding

You may have heard these words by now, trauma bonding, but let's explain further. We all have attachment styles that were created in childhood. We cling on to the attachment because it feels safe and comfortable. If you've experienced neglect as a child, you may experience a more anxious attachment style because your needs weren't being met. You may have found yourself trying to get validation from your parents or caregivers and you may have went above and beyond to get their attention. You may have developed people pleasing tendencies which has led you to have limiting boundaries in place. Our early-infant/childhood attachment provides the basis for romantic relationships in adulthood.

Often we confuse the intense emotions associated with a trauma bond for love. For example, say, you start dating someone who is very successful but lacks emotional connection. You may find yourself overly obsessed with trying to please them. In turn, you feel alone and invalidated. This plays out in a push-pull dynamic, in which the emotions of fear and abandonment appear to be exciting "chemistry." The flip side of this dynamic can results in boredom, when a "safe" relationship loses the thrill of the threat of loss. Excitement is a powerful motivator that keeps many people coming back.


When you don't trust yourself, you outsource your worth to others. When you outsource your worth, you become chronically dependent on other people's perceptions of who you are. Rather than making decisions or choices based on your own inner knowing, you make them through someone else's perspective, allowing another person to validate or invalidate your reality. Trauma bonds are the results of relationship dynamics that are rooted in stories about our self, created in childhood and manifested in adult relationships.


If you don't know how to get out of trauma bond, please feel free to reach out to break that cycle.

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